I am awakened by Rarasaur’s soft little knocks to my subconscious…
I too have been away from the blank page that is my space. Where the forest green carpet and tree stump becomes the lounger that I use to make way for my thoughts and feelings.
I don’t know why it has been so long for the release of words and why I let myself be dragged into the mundane that is the world. Why I should or shouldn’t be or do anything at all that isn’t feeding my soul.
Lately I have had a recurring theme about being obliged. I am well, but concerned, thank you for asking. I am tired but I keep pushing. I am excited for my break but reserved. I am obliged but stay curious by it…
Obliged to say “no problem”, to reach out and to be friendly. To be normal and acceptable whatever normal means to other people around me.
Obliged to try the cuisine that will make me so nauseas later on I will feel my body revolting.
But I oblige….
I traitor my soul with obliges for loved ones to the extent that I need a blank page…I need to understand why, but I don’t really. Not now anyways….Perhaps tomorrow when the sun is out and the rainy grey clouds that is my mind have cleared, perhaps when I am rowing up the river stream in an unknown country, perhaps when I get home to the familiarity…. perhaps my soul wishes not to share the answers with me presently?
For now I lay in my blank page space, the colour of light grey mist surrounding me, green hazes of forrest trees, bluest skies and golden touches of son rays. This is my meditation, my “colour” when I close my eyes.
Some of the pieces I write takes a long time…
It is parts of separate pieces that are parcelled together delivering one message.
It is thoughts and feelings arising from time to time which I am made aware of.
It nudges me and hones in my focus until I find my release thereof.
Until it is bled onto paper and I can move on from it and let go.
It truly is a form of release.
It is pieces written down in hurried format, scribbles if you must, and later the theme emerges and I write through the theme’s ups and downs until I have a full experience that has touched me more than I was possibly aware of.
And then I have the opportunity of appreciating it and letting go…
An opportunity for it to touch someone else’s life perhaps.
An opportunity to be brought back to the present peacefully.
Perhaps a knock on the head, I thought
Wasn’t the worst to dread.
To have vision blurred and shadows more present
Gave a sudden urgence that led….
To one of unsure footing
More so than I did realise
A deeper meaning and rooting
The feeling was prominent to my despise.
I wasn’t myself and needed a form of release
The beast within conflicted
Stubbornly fighting the urges and notions
Confused and constantly shaking off
The dizzying potions.
Breaking free of confinement
Of head splitting pain
Re-obtaining through thickets of forrest
I sigh relief and yet I, I remain.
I have had yet another massive concussion, two in the last 5months for silly reasons really…
But the pounding migraines, dizzy spells, blurring eye vision and nausea has hit me worse the second time around. I was booked off for a week and ended up working 4 days anyways. My head hurts, I worry about work getting behind and I sit daily with my son checking and completing homework till I fall over in pure agony. That has been my days so far in my supposed rest to treat my concussion. Being everything for everyone and once again the man supporting me at home with the load.
I sigh at the reward points flickering a big zero as I have not been active enough. I have not walked 10 000 steps a day and I have not been to the gym either. So I am “pointless” and not as healthy as I could be. But truth be told I’ve been banned from any physical activity and summoned to bed rest. Been told it would take 2weeks or so to even start to feel normal again…. How frustrating this has been. Feeling caged, feeling pain and yet still the demands filter in from all sides. Small things that now feel like a pound of flesh is being demanded. But I trod along like the tired trusty bull I am.
I am reminded of self love and self care and I struggle like many mothers, sisters, daughters and wives do. I struggle to take a step back and prioritize me. Find a moment to recuperate and self care. Do I care for my own health…yes I do. Do I care for my own health at the expense of loved ones….not so much. And the sad reality is you can not fill someone else’s cup from an empty one. You can not be caring if you are not cared for by yourself. You can’t be someone else’s strength if you yourself are not strong. I am comforted that I am not the only woman with this battle but I am left wondering just how and where to obtain this intricate balance.
I have run so far, but not far enough.
I have searched high and low, yet not high and low enough to obtain answers.
I have learnt to be silent and withstand the storms, but not silent enough.
I have learnt patience to try understand, but I was left with more than just understanding and even less patience.
I have tasted rejection, yet not tasted it in all its glorious bitterness.
I have spat out hatred, yet it came from a place of love and betrayal.
I have heard the whispering of sweet nothings, yet been left all alone with the reality.
Through this I have handed out my walls for all to live aside me, yet not close to me.
I have learnt many ways of surviving, yet very few on thriving.
And when I stepped out of my mindset and yet stepped back into my soul’s purpose, I am no longer in turmoil.
I am not vibrating at that frequency. I no longer merely survive the storm…I thrive.
I am reminded by a text message of a warning to self care and self love. Throughout the month of January I have been many things for many people.
One of which is a mother ensuring her grade 5 son gets started on the right note. This is putting it lightly considering the amount of time spent each evening covering books, new text books and then even more books. Labeling stationary and checking homework. It is part of my routine to get home rip off my work attire and start with his homework. Occasionally on evenings I decide a glass of wine is needed as I step into the role of a teacher after a long day. How are other mothers coping with this? This morning I greet a mother standing at her garage door with one hand occupying a cigarette and another a red bull, it is 6h15am and she is winging it the way we all do. Should I consider drinking red bull or smoking? Heck I don’t even like smoking or sugary fizzy drinks that have my heart racing at 120kms an hour. But the point is noted…we all have our saving grace. Or we all should right???
As this year becomes fast paced and hum drum I wonder how to incorporate the self caring and loving aspect. Gosh it was still 2018 five minutes ago!!! How do I commit to “me time” without the world going to shit while I am not a mom, a career woman, a student and a lover but just merely me. How do I give myself a boost every now and then to feel as happy as a pig in a muddy pen? I know it means to sometimes leave someone else to manage things and relax rather. I admit mothers struggle to do that mostly. But sometimes our families surprise us and things run smoothly while we take a back seat. Hahahahhaaa other times, who am I kidding, it all goes to shit without a mothers touch. But that’s what wine and great friends to laugh with are for!!! So how do we gain balance to self love and care and still be there for everyone and everything that is our life?
Is it easier when it becomes a scheduled activity that forces us to commit to ourselves? And if we try cancel that activity a message should pop up: Remember the importance of having your own space and time! Remember that loving yourself and taking a break is ok, the world will not end. Remember most importantly that you deserve this! For many reasons and none at all….you deserve this for you, just because!!!
In 2018 my self love journey began when I stopped wearing makeup and each morning and evening consisted of a committed ritual of natural products to cleanse my irritated blotchy face. This year my self love journey remains undefined but rather a work in progress. Now while I don’t have the answers to all these questions yet, I breathe some relief that I am aware and need to be reminded to stay aware of the importance of self love and care. Be it an item on a to do list, an event or quiet time each evening. Be it doing nothing at all is just as important! In fact silence is not as “quiet” as we may perceive and is a great guidance to us if we just listen every now and then!!!
How will you self love and care consistently in 2019?
What should I say, if anything at all
To create an openness instead of a brawl
To release the emotions that bring no end
To feel peace and quieten my head.
To have sat with a burning desire to speak
But felt that it was not time yet, as I was too weak
A day, a week, a year went by….more years
and there I sat with my fears.
I dreamt a dream with the connection so real
When I woke it was too far away, I could feel.
To have what was once and “un-loose” what was lost.
I sometimes wish that I just conveniently forgot.
The call came knocking today and my words were released.
My head is a-spinning but I felt pure relief.
To speak of it all with hurt far removed.
Times of good memories and laughs were proved.
If tomorrow I lay my head to rest
I would have told all and tried my best
No words would be left to speak
No peace would be left to seek
All would be blissfully dissolved through time
My words fading but pure release be mine.